It's Thanksgiving this week in the states. It's the “Superbowl” of dinner parties there, and it got me thinking about the New Dinner Party rules.
Things have changed a bit since your parents' day, and some of the old rules no longer apply. For example, you now can talk about formerly taboo subjects, including religion, sex and politics, as long as you remain good-humoured about them!
But, unless you’re a Family member, you should probably stick to the regular Dinner Party Rules. That means avoiding the following faux pas:
- Showing up late (or leaving early). These are my two pet peeves as a Hostess. I put a lot of care into orchestrating the evening, and timing is everything. Music, food and ambience are all set to my internal Hostess clock, and if you show up late or leave early, it throws the whole party off. How to redeem yourself: If you are running more than fifteen minutes late, let your Hosts know as soon as possible and give them an ETA for your arrival. BTW: This is a good opportunity to ask your Hosts if there’s anything that you can pick up for them (since you’re late anyway). Apologise profusely when you arrive, and send a lovely thank you note and a gift. And don’t do it again.
- Ignore the Shoe Thing. I don't love taking off my shoes when visiting other people, especially for an evening party. My shoes are part of my look! But I will do it cheerfully when asked because, as a guest, I must respect my Hosts' wishes. I will also file away that bit of information for next time. IMHO: A better idea is to make your family remove their shoes when they come into the house and vacuum and mop after a party.
- Bring a bouquet of flowers. You showed up with a gorgeous bouquet and proudly presented it to your Hostess like an award upon entry. Your heart was in the right place, but what you actually did was hand a busy hostess another job in the middle of her party. Even if she has staff to whisk your bouquet away and deal with it, they are likely otherwise engaged. The best time to give a Hostess flowers is the day before (or after) a party, not during one. How to redeem yourself: If you brought a bouquet, ask where to find a vase or wrap the end of the stems in a wet paper towel. If you want to bring flowers, bring them in a vase, or better yet, get a thoughtful gift she can enjoy later.
- Adjust the Guest List. If you and your SO have received an invitation, and one of you can't make it, don't assume you are welcome to fill that void without checking with your Hosts. Unless the invitation was explicit to you "and Guest," it's better to RSVP solo than to show up with a random “Plus One.” How to redeem yourself: Sit where your Hosts have put you and be charming if you ever want to be asked back again!
- Be a Tiresome Snoop. The house is eye-wateringly gorgeous, and you're dying to see the rest of it. Don't demand a "House Tour." Wait to be offered one. Your hosts may have other guests to attend to and might feel uncomfortable leaving them. A better idea is to compliment them on their tasteful décor. They might offer to show you around or (even better) let you take yourself on a tour. Anyway, you always get to catch a little glimpse of the house when you use the Powder Room. And please resist the urge to open drawers or the medicine cabinet so you can eyeball their skincare regime, Miss Marple!
- Forget to tell them that you’re allergic to shellfish. If you have food allergies or genuine dietary restrictions, inform your Host when you receive your invitation. Springing your gluten intolerance on your Hosts at the last minute is the fastest way to get yourself uninvited from their next party. How to Redeem Yourself: Eat less. I have a mild allergy to certain nuts, but if I forgot to alert my Hostess (or she didn't ask), I will just try and avoid those dishes that contain them. BTW: "I don't like mushrooms" is NOT a dietary restriction.
- Be a Sneaky Spiller. Accidents happen. But if you’ve spilled a drink, broken something or blocked the toilet, the worst thing you can do is to hide it and pretend it didn't happen. Discreetly inform the Host or their help immediately and offer to help clean it up or fix it. How to redeem yourself: Write a funny apology note and leave a nice Hostess gift. Most people will forgive you anything if you cop to it with a lovely present!
- Feeding Fido at the table. You love their dog and want to give him a treat! Ask your Host first and never at the table. Some dogs have sensitive stomachs, and that little piece of fatty lamb might be the gift that keeps on giving (and not in a good way).
- Don’t Participate. By accepting an invitation, you are agreeing to engage with the other guests: dance, tell a joke, play a game, and talk to the bore on your left. A dinner party is a social contract. Break it at your peril.
- Not Knowing how to make a graceful exit. So many people worry about overstaying their welcome that sometimes they can kill the vibe by leaving too early (and making a big show of it). Party Guests have a herd mentality. If one or two people leave early, that will signal to the other guests that they should leave, too. If we've gone through the trouble of throwing a party, the last thing we want is for guests to show up, eat, and leave without allowing us to enjoy their company. How to Redeem yourself: If you do need to leave early for some reason, do so discreetly, without alerting the rest of the herd to your departure. Write a thank you note explaining your early departure.
Look, nobody's perfect, and we’ve all made at least one of these mistakes. I've made all of them at least once! The key takeaway is to be a grownup about it, have a sense of humour, and bring a good bottle if you're lucky enough to get asked back again.
Good luck out there!
Xx, mlk
